Heaven and Hell
by Dead Chick Walking
Summary: All the main people who died in the Underland Chronicles. Together. In the same place. Trapped. Rated T for language, sexual reference, and one-sided rat luff.
1. Kumbaya

**Heaven and Hell**

_A humor story._

The main characters who died in the books wake up to find themselves in a large cavern. It has no exit or entrance, but a large lake off to the right, filled with fish. There is an unidentifiable light coming from the top of the cavern. How will our heroes-and anti-heroes-escape from the hellish confines of this cave? They must work together, each person agreeing, to escape.

Our cast is:

Ares, the flier  
Bane, the gnawer  
Solovet, the killer  
Hamnet, the killer  
Twitchtip, the gnawer  
Henry, the killer  
Tick, the crawler  
Twirltongue, the gnawer  
Thalia, the flier  
Frill, the hisser

* * *

[Bane, sleeping in the center of the cavern, wakes up. He looks around a bit. He seems confused.

Bane: -mutters- This...is weird. -continues looking around-

[Sleeping almost touching the Bane, Twitchtip awakens.

Twitchtip: Where the hell am I? -looks up and sees Bane- Holy-

Bane: -sees Twitchtip- Hi!

Twitchtip:...I'm dead. I died, I died, I died, I'm dead, I died.

Bane: -stares for a couple minutes then realizes something- Where's Twirltongue?

Twitchtip: -shrugs- I dunno...-notices that she is no longer emaciated, and her teeth are normal size- but if this is dead, someone made a mistake.

Bane: -screams-Flying cheese biscuits!

Twitchtip: -taken aback- What the hell is wrong with you?!

Bane: Wha?

Ares: -groans- What happened...I feel like I've been eaten by a giant rat...

Bane: Hey! It's that big black bat!!!

Ares: -sees Bane and screams like a little girl- ZOMG!

Solovet: -recently woken up- Somebody better give me some godamn answers, NOW!

Ares: Thank Sandwich I'm not alone here...

Bane: Hey! There's a bat here!

Twitchtip: -scathingly- what was your first clue?

[The Bane turns to the smaller rat and stares at her, while Solovet attempts to look for other humans.

Bane: -head shoots up- VOICES FROM NOWHERE!!!!

Solovet: Who is there? I deman you make your presence known!

Bane: Oh, so you heard her too? Good, I though the voices in my head had come back...

[-distinctly female voice- The pris-ahem, characters no longer notice the narration. They return to what they were doing before.

Solovet: Anyone have the feeling the last few seconds dissapeared?

Thalia: -starts giggling- She said seconds!!!!

Ares: Great...the giggling wonder has awoken...

Bane: -still staring at Twitchtip-

Twitchtip: Ummm someone want to tell me where we are? I can't smell a damn thing. And the giant white rat is starting to creep me out...

Frill: It ssseemssss we are in a cave.

Thalia: -continues laughing- SHE SAID CAVE!

Hamnet: Oh...my aching head...

Tick: Awake, everyone is, awake?

[Twirltongue has awoken and begins walking up to the group which has gathered in the center of the cave. The Bane being the center point, since he was the one that woke them up by screaming about flying breakfast items. Twirltongue does not look in anyway happy.

Twirltongue: Ahem.

Bane: -turns and sees her- Twirltongue!!! -hyperly- IwassoworriedIdidn'tknowwhereyouwereandIwasaloneandtherewerepeopleandvoicesand I missed you! Did you miss me? Where did you go!?!?! -eye twitch-

Twirltongue:...-stares flatly- I think perhaps I had passed out from the fact that MY HEAD WAS TORN FROM MY BODY!

Bane: -thinks a while- Oh...yaaaaa...-looks at Twirltongue- But I didn't mean it...I...I..Why are you looking at me like that? -starts sniffling- I-I didn't mean iiiiiit -bawls loudly-

Henry: -from far away- Can you stop? I'm trying to get my unneeded but still imperative, beauty sleep.

Solovet: GET YOUR LAZY ASS UP!

Henry: Aunt Solovet? -is confused- Where am I -sits up- This is bizarre...-runs hand through his hair- OMG I HAVE BED HEAD!

[All of a sudden as if provoked by Henry's questions, everyone begins asking where they are and what they're doing here. Finally Twirltongue jabs the Bane who roars loudly. Everyone falls silent.

Twirltongue: Do not know where we are, but we are getting out of here. And I am in charge.

Solovet: OVER MY DEAD BODY!

Twirltongue: -sarcastically- You're already dead dumbshit.

Solovet: WHY YOU!

Hamnet: Kumbaya my lord...kumbaya...

Everyone: SHUTUP!

[And so, everyone is awake, how will they escape? WILL they escape? Will Henry get rid of his bed head? And what does Twitchtip think about all this? Find out on next week's installment of: HEAVEN AND HELL

Bane: -in the background- There's that voice again...


	2. I See Dead People

**Heaven and Hell**

_A humor story._

The main characters who died in the books wake up to find themselves in a large cavern. It has no exit or entrance, but a large lake off to the right, filled with fish. There is an unidentifiable light coming from the top of the cavern. How will our heroes-and anti-heroes-escape from the hellish confines of this cave? They must work together, each person agreeing, to escape.

Our cast is:

Ares, the flier  
Bane, the gnawer  
Solovet, the killer  
Hamnet, the killer  
Twitchtip, the gnawer  
Henry, the killer  
Tick, the crawler  
Twirltongue, the gnawer  
Thalia, the flier  
Frill, the hisser

* * *

[In last weeks installment of Heaven and Hell our 'anti'heroes awoke to a strange enviroment. After some squabbling, things seem to have settled down, let's watch.

Solovet: I REFUSE to be trapped here with all of...-disdainful lip curl- _you._

Henry: I'm ok though right, Auntie Solovet?

Solovet: Call me Auntie one more time and I'll throw you in the dungeons

Hamnet: NOOOOO!!!! Not the dark!!!! -hides face in hands-

[Frill, seeing her friend grieving, gives him an awkward lizard embrace.

Solovet: Whiner...

Twirltongue: You people disgust me...

Ares: -afronted- You're the one that almost destroyed the entire Underland civilization!

Twirltongue: Ya... -smugly- I know. Wasn't it awesome?

Solovet: Hey! I thought I was the worst person in the series I...mean...-um-series of events that were in no way put into a series of books...

[Twitchtip, having watched for a few minutes, decides to take charge of the quarreling mass. As she walks toward the others, Bane looks up, watching her.

Twitchtip: -stands up straight- Look. We need to stop fighting. We need to figure out where to get food, water, and then we can figure out how to get out of here. After that we can place the blame. Now, if we organize ourselves and-

Bane: -cuts in- You're HOT.

[Twitchtip's eyes go wide and she stares terrified at the white rat who is laying a few feet away from her. He is laying down, but still barely has to look up to see her. Twirltongue scowls.

Twirltongue: -sternly- No crushing on the peace-loving scent seer.

Solovet: And who are you to tell us what to do?

Twitchtip: In case you haven't noticed, you, without a weapon, are at a distinct disadvantage to me, as I have multiple ways to kill you. I'd suggest listening to me before you all end up starving. Or you can just quarrel like two shiners over a scrap of cake.

Thalia: -begins giggling insanely- SHE SAID SHINERS!!!!

Tick: -turns to Thalia looking confused- Laugh you, why, laugh you?

Ares: -with a sigh- because she is the bane of any slightly sane person...

Bane: -perks up-I heard my name! Who said my name?!?!?

Twirltongue: -slaps head with her paw- Now you've done it you goddam emo bat. He won't shut up now...

Bane: -very fast and hyper- SomeonesaidmynameofthethingI'mcalled! -looks around- TheysaiditcausetheylovemelikearadioactivedancingchickenIdunnowhatchickenisbut Oh Migosh someone said my naaaaaame!

[Everyone automatically points at Ares. The Bane, seeing this, immediately glomps him.

Bane: -hugging Ares- you is sooooo big and floofy!!! -squeezes harder-

Ares: -eyes bulge- can't...breathe...

Bane: I'm gonna hold you, and luff you, and call you George.

Thalia: -laughing so hard tears are pouring down her face-

Hamnet: It's so nice to see them getting along...-wipes tear- Why can't you two do that? -looks at Twirltongue and Solovet-

Solovet: -sneer- Cause we hate each other.

Twirltongue: Yep, pretty much.

Hamnet: -eyes glow red- LOVE EACH OTHER DAMMIT! OR FACE THE BADASSNESS OF MY PEACE LOVING HIPPIE SKILLZ!!

[Solovet and Twirltongue turn to each other and start running as Hamnet chases after them.

Tick: Foolish, they are, foolish.

Henry: Who're you supposed to be? Yoda?

Tick: -looks confused-

Twitchtip: -big sigh- This is hopeless...

Bane: -lets go of Ares- I'll see you later!

Twitchtip: Finally...I thought he was going to turn blue...

Bane: -sheepishly- You're all pretty and stuff...

[What's going to happen next? Will Twitchtip accept the Bane's love? Will Hamnet take up the sword? And how is Henry going to cope without all the normal adoration of his fans? Find out next week on the third installment of: Heaven and Hell.

Bane: -whispers- I see dead people...

Twitchtip: -eye twitches- Someone kill me...


	3. Death and Death and Death Again

**Heaven and Hell**

_A humor story._

The main characters who died in the books wake up to find themselves in a large cavern. It has no exit or entrance, but a large lake off to the right, filled with fish. There is an unidentifiable light coming from the top of the cavern. How will our heroes-and anti-heroes-escape from the hellish confines of this cave? They must work together, each person agreeing, to escape.

Our cast is:

Ares, the flier  
Bane, the gnawer  
Solovet, the killer  
Hamnet, the killer  
Twitchtip, the gnawer  
Henry, the killer  
Tick, the crawler  
Twirltongue, the gnawer  
Thalia, the flier  
Frill, the hisser

* * *

[Last week on 'Heaven and Hell': Twitchtip took charge, Hamnet totally lost it, and Twirltongue and Solovet showed some unity in their attempt to ward off the newly vicious peace advocate.

[Solovet and Twirltongue finally collapse on top of each other, breathing heavily. Hamnet stands triumphantly in front of them, having run them into exhaustion.

Hamnet: Gonna play nice?

Twirltongue: When I can move….you are so dead.

Solovet: Yeah…what she said…

Hamnet: -dreamy stare- aaawww they're getting along! -rounding on the others- You guys are next!

Ares: -confused- Um…who are you again?

Hamnet: -striking a dramatic pose- I am Hamnet, righter of wrongs, protector of the weak, and advocate of peace between all living creatures!

[Fireworks go off in the background. Frill looks embarrassed, and Ares looks incredibly unimpressed. Bane is just happy watching the lights.

Ares: You might be able to add 'complete nutcase' to that resume

Thalia: Omigosh that was so funny! -collapses in a giggle fit-

Bane: Preeeeetty colorssssss!

Frill: -sheepishly- I thiiiink the cutterssss affected hissssssss miiiiiiiind…

Solovet: Pfft he was crazy to begin with. Just like that…thing over there! -gestures toward Bane-

Bane: -sniffles- that wasn't Niiiiiiice!! -starts crying-

[Everyone starts backing away from the Bane as he warms up for a temper tantrum. Before this happens however, Twirltongue manages to sidle up to him and whisper something in his ear.

Bane: Ya…you're right! -snarls- I am king! -attacks Solovet-

Solovet: O.O AAACK!!! -is pwned-

Ares, Twitchtip, Frill, Tick, and Twirltongue: FINALLY!

[But, just as it seems Solovet is gone for good…her body disappears.

Bane: wtf?

Solovet: I'm Aliiiiive! -randomly appears two feet next to where her body was-

Bane: Oh no you don't! -attacks and kills Solovet again-

Solovet: -magically appears- Nyah nyah!

Bane: RRAAAAAWR!!!!! -pounce-

Twitchtip:…so…how long do you think this will last?

Ares: As long as Thalia can keep laughing….

[The two turn to the small peach bat who is still helplessly laughing.

Twitchtip: Is it possible for anything to last that long?

Ares:…we can find out….

[Ten minutes later….

Solovet: Ok…this is getting boring…-is pwned again-

Bane: Maybe this time…

Solovet: -appears and is kills again-

Bane: this time!

Solovet: -appears- WILL YOU CUT IT OUT!?!?!?! -dies-

Bane: This time! This time! This time!

Hamnet: guys, just get along!

Ares: Pass the popcorn….

Twirltongue: How can we have popcorn?

Twitchtip: I dunno ask the Narrator.

Ares, Frill, and Twirltongue: What?

Twitchtip: Uummmmm….-panics- Nothing….I don't even know what I said…I'm not in contact with the person who put us here. Nope. Nuh-uh. I don't know a thing.

Twirltongue: Bullshit…

Ares: Hey look! I think he's getting tired.

Bane: -scowl- screw it. -personality change- OMG A BLANK WALL!!!!! -runs over to the wall and stares at it-

Solovet: Well finally. What was that about?

Twitchtip: Well, it seems that we can't die, or be harmed here.

Ares: Finally some place that I'm not constantly hurt. -glares accusingly at Solovet-

Solovet: How do you know?!

Twirltongue: Let's test this theory, shall we? -bites Tick's head off-

Tick: -dies and reappears-

Twirltongue: Theory proven.

Tick: What the hell was that for you bitch!

[Everyone, even Bane, who was distracted by the wall, and Thalia, who is still laughing, turns and stares at Tick.

Tick: I, mean ow, I.

Solovet: Things just keep getting weirder and weirder...

Henry: -shouting- EVERYONE LISTEN TO ME!!!!

[What is going on? Why was Tick talking normally? What does Twitchtip know? What's up with people dying over and over again? And I wonder what Henry has to say...find out next week on 'Heaven and Hell'!!!

Tick: Migraine, I have, migraine...


	4. Crumpets and Babbehs

****

Heaven and Hell

* * *

The main characters who died in the books wake up to find themselves in a large cavern. It has no exit or entrance, but a large lake off to the right, filled with fish. There is an unidentifiable light coming from the top of the cavern. How will our heroes-and anti-heroes-escape from the hellish confines of this cave? They must work together, each person agreeing, to escape.

Our cast is:

Ares, the flier  
Bane, the gnawer  
Solovet, the killer  
Hamnet, the killer  
Twitchtip, the gnawer  
Henry, the killer  
Tick, the crawler  
Twirltongue, the gnawer  
Thalia, the flier  
Frill, the hisser

* * *

-When we last saw our sla-I mean heroes and various morons in the middle of some meaningless discussion before Henry interrupted. Let's see what he has to say...-

Henry: -flipping out- We have a SERIOUS problem...There's NO girls here!

Solovet: -cough- I'm a girl...

Henry: -eye roll- Pfft. You're old and -shiver- wrinkly-

Twirltongue: -scathingly-Notice he said nothing about her being related to him...

Twitchtip: I don't think he minds that...

Solovet: I am NOT old-runs over to lake to see reflection- am I really wrinkly?

Henry: -seriously- Really this is a serious problem...

Frill: -curiously- Hoooow Sssssssssssoo?

Henry: -whine-They'res no one here to ADORE me!

Twitchtip:-mockingly concerned- Oh dear, Henry doesn't have any of his little bed buddies, what EVER shall we do?

Henry: -shifty eyes- I prefer the term 'friends with benefits'

Twitchtip: Either way you're a man-whore!

Hamnet: -steps inbetween- now people, let's not let the hard times force us to give into our animal instincts!

-All of the non-humans glare at Hamnet how smiles obliviously. Solovet walks up to him and pinches a spot by his neck. The peace activist crumples onto the ground in a dead faint-

Solovet: I was sooo tired of him.

Twirltongue: Finally...

Thalia: OMG! He fainted!! -giggles insanely-

Solovet: STFU! -pinches Thalia's neck and she crumples as well-

Twitchtip: -impressed- that was pretty damn awesome...

Twirltongue: What I want to know is why you didn't do that earlier.

Solovet: I dunno, I just now thought of doing it...

-Twitchtip mutters something about lazy authoresses and a rock falls from nowhere and lands on her head.-

Twitchtip: OUCH! Uncalled for!

Twirltongue: Where the bloody hell did that come from?

Bane:-excitedly- OMG Twirltongue's a CRUMPET!

Ares: Um, what's up with the british accent?

Twirltongue; I don't know...it just came out...

-Twitchtip, not having learned her lesson, mutters something about authoresses that put random plot holes in stories for comic effect. Another random stone drops on her head.-

Twitchtip: YOU friggen SUCK! Stop being so MEAN to me!

Tick: Who, talking to, who?

-Twitchtip realizes she screwed up when the shadow of a much bigger rock appears over her. She shrieks and steps to the side. She smirks, thinking she has outwitted the vengeful authoress, but lo and behold natural laws can be bent and the shadow appears above her once more. Twitchtip runs 'round in circles squealing, and the shadow follows her like in a cartoon. Finally she gets tired out and stops, the rock lands on her tail-

Twitchtip: EEP! Ok...I'm all done. No more, I promise...

Ares: So...feel like telling us what's going on?

Twitchtip: I...um...look something shiny! -points-

Bane: OMFG I LIKE SHINIES!

Henry: You guys are FORGETTING something...

Ares: No we're ignoring you.

Henry: -glare- seriously though...it's been like...-scratches neck like a crack addict- I dunno weeks since I had a girl...-eye twitcht-

Solovet: No...it's only been like three days.

Henry: THAT's what I SAID

Twirltongue: He needs intense fan girl therapy

Frill: What'sss thaat?

Twirltongue: At least ten attractive females to glomp him.

Henry: mmmmm -dreamy stare-

Ares: this is ridiculous...

Henry: You just don't understand!

Ares: -disgusted-man whore...

Henry: -angry-EMO!

Ares: -snort- I'm not the one that--

Henry: You said you're never tell!

Ares: Tried to dye my hair black--

Henry: -desperately-It was one time!

Ares; -continues- because some girl said she wasn't my type.

Henry: Ya well...I...you...You're voice is stupid!!

Ares: Your face!

Henry: Your Mom!

Ares: Your mom's face!!

Everyone: buuuuuurrn...

Twirltongue: Not that this isn't interesting but...

Bane: -randomly- I'm HUNGRY!

Twirltongue: Then get some fish or something...

Bane: -whining-Don't want fishes!

Twitchtip: -sarcastically-Too bad there aren't any nibbler babies to gorge on...

Bane:...BABBEHS!! -leaps at Twitchtip-

Twitchtip: EEP! -runs away-

-The Bane chases Twitchtip around for a little while before a rock falls AGAIN from no where drops on her foot. She squeals and the Bane catches her-

Twitchtip: damn these pairings!

Bane: I got her! ...-confused- Now what?

Solovet: LOL

Twirltongue: -slaps head with paw and shakes her head- What am I going to do with him?

-So, what's going to happen to Henry? Will there be more plot holes and falling rocks? What about babbehs? And will I ever get bored of these little after notes?-

Henry: -eye twitch- NEEEEED GIIIIIRLS!!

Thalia: -wakes up- omfg lol!!


	5. Flying, Flashing, Omigod

**HEAVEN AND HELL**

* * *

The main characters who died in the books wake up to find themselves in a large cavern. It has no exit or entrance, but a large lake off to the right, filled with fish. There is an unidentifiable light coming from the top of the cavern. How will our heroes-and anti-heroes-escape from the hellish confines of this cave? They must work together, each person agreeing, to escape.

Our cast is:

Ares, the flier  
Bane, the gnawer  
Solovet, the killer  
Hamnet, the killer  
Twitchtip, the gnawer  
Henry, the killer  
Tick, the crawler  
Twirltongue, the gnawer  
Thalia, the flier  
Frill, the hisser

* * *

Narrator: Hello, hello, and welcome back! In our last episode Solovet revealed a rather frightening talent. Ares fought with his ex-bond. And Henry had a withdrawel from lack of fangirls. A lot of stuff has happened since we last checked in on our little friends, let's see what's developed over night.

Twitchtip: I really hate my life

Twirltongue: (evil cackle) why EVER would you say that?

Twitchtip: Shutup! (sulkily) It's your fault anyway.

Twirltongue: (innocently) I have no idea what you're talking about.

Twitchtip:(pouting) I hate you all. (walks off into a corner to be alone)

Twirltongue:(mocking laugh) Hmm...(looks around) Where's Bane?

Solovet: Over there... (points)

Narrator: The large white rat is sitting by the lake, humming contentedly and drawing on the ground.

Ares: I'm scarred for life (eye twitch)

Henry: It wasn't that bad...

Ares: You ARE desperate aren't you?

Henry: Hey!

Narrator: From a slit in the rocks a small flier head peaks out.

Thalia: Uncle Ares, can I come out now?

Ares: (looks over hesitantly) Um...well..

Henry: NO! No, just stay in there.

Thalia: Okidokie then. (pops back in)

Ares: I really have no idea why she calls me Uncle. And does anyone know where the hell her parents are?

Henry: Not here, that's all that matters.

Hamnet: (finally waking up) Hey..wha' happen?

Solovet: Um...(guiltily) you fainted.

Narrator: Hamnet looks around for a few minutes, seemingly puzzled by the odd vibe in the cavern. Finally, Frill walks over and begins a lengthy explanation of the past few hours in Hisser. Shock quickly floods across his face.

Hamnet: (choking) Oh...my...GOD!

Solovet: hm?

Hamnet: Is she telling the truth?

Solovet: (disdainfully) I don't speak Lizard.

Hamnet: (whispers to Solovet) Is that right?

Solovet: (bored) She left out some details but basically

Hamnet: (shocked) Oh my GAWD!

TwirltongueL: (annoyed) you already said that.

Hamnet: (whirls on her and pouints his finger in her face) You!

Twirltongue: (brushes his finger aside) Excuse me?

Hamnet: You did it!

Twirltongue: (Pretending to be offended) why does everyone keep accusing me?

Henry: Technically, she didn't.

Hamnet: (turns on Henry) Shut up you kinky bastard! I bet you watched!

Henry: Did not!

Tick: Did too, you did, did too

Henry: Shut it, insect!

Ares: She got you there.

Solovet: true.

Henry: Everyone is ganging up on me!

Twirltongue: (indignantly) I know! Seriously!

Henry: (lightbulb goes off over his head) Heeeeeey...You're a girl.

Twirltongue: O.O (disgusted) I'm a rat.

Henry: Oooooh yeeeaaahh...

Hamnet: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?

Tick: much, is wrong, much.

Hamnet: You, me and Frill, we're the only sane ones left. (sigh)

Ares: (cynically) If you call yourself sane, then I'd appreciate a diagnosis of insanity.

Solovet: Good, my insane friend, because you have a job to do.

Twirltongue: Isn't that just special?

Ares: (suspiciously) What exactly does that entail?

Solovet: Well, Twirltongue and I had an idea that-

Henry: (cutting her off) What is it with you and Twirltongue?

Hamnet: You guys are way too much alike for my comfort.

Ares: Seriously.

Twirltongue: (persuasively) Look, my dear friends, we mustn't argue. Our shared objective is to get out of this place alive…

Narrator: Twirltongue drifts off in the middle of her persuasive monologue as she attempts to figure out whether they are alive, or dead, or somewhere in between.

Twirltongue: Well...alive-ish anyway. The plan, is to investigate the light.

Henry: (slightly fuzzy headed from listening to her) What light?

Solovet: That light stupid.

Narrator: Solovet points to the very top of the cavern where the white light pours through a hole in the ceiling.

Solovet: And guess who we want to do it?

Ares: (glumly) Me.

Solovet: It seems we have a volunteer!

Narrator: Ares's face falls as he realizes what he did.

Solovet: So get up there!

Ares: No way!

Twirltonggue: Oh, but you must! Or we shall surely rot here. Look at poor Twitchtip, the confinement is already affecting her.

Narrator:Twitchtip is still over in the corner, having drifted into a fitfull, nightmare ridden sleep. As they watch she flinches and mutters.

Twirltongue: And I need not say anything about the Bane.

Narrator: Everyone turns to stare at pearlpelt who is hunched over and muttering to himself. They catch something that sounds like, "Stupid fat hobbitses..."

Solovet: (nods sagely) Yep. They're both losing it in here.

Ares: (cynically) Which of them had anything to lose?

Hamnet: Twitchtip had some vestiges of sanity left, but Bane...well...he's pretty much always been crazy.

Henry: So are we going to sit around, or what?

Twirltongue: True. Ares, my dear...

Ares: No way! Lalala lala! Not listening!!

Twirltongue: Oh, but please, I know it would be what Gregor wanted...

Ares: nuh-uh. I can't hear you! Laaalala...

Twirltongue: but what about Aurora, hm?

Ares: I don't - (cuts off) What?

Twirltongue: (triumphantly) I bet if we get out of this prison you can go find that pretty young flier.

Ares: (thinks) Ok, then, I'll do it.

Twirltongue: (like Mr. Burns) Excellent.

Narrator: After twenty minutes everything is ready. Ares launches into the air. He circles for a few moments to get the blood pumpping in his unused wings.

Henry: Why couldn't I go?

Solovet: Because we don't trust you.

Hamnet: So why didn't you go?

Solovet: Because NOBODY trusts me.

Henry: So why didn't...?

Solovet: (irritated) Thalia is a nuisance. Henry's a kinky desperate bastard. Twirltongue's a liar. Twitchtip is asleep. Bane's insane, too big, and the cause of Ares's mental trauma. Frill is a lizard. Hamnet...well no body likes him. And if Tick saw anything, we wouldn't be able to understand her explanation. Any other questions? (breathing heavily)

Hamnet: I'm good.

Henry: One more...where do babies come from?

Solovet: (blank stare) you douche.

Henry: What's that?

Soovet: I...don't realy know. But it's what you are!

Henry: Now wait just a mi-

Twirltongue: Now Bane.

Narrator: The Bane roars furiously, rocks fall from the ceiling, and Twitchtip jerks awake.

Twitchtip: No! (looks around) Oh...

Twirltongue: Now that I have your attention...Ares, fly.

Ares: M'kay.

Narrator: Ares flaps his strong wings, bringing him closer and closer to the strange alien light. He blinks, the brilliance of the light almost blinding him for it's nearness. Finally he masses his will and looks straight into the light. There is a bright flash and then the light goes dark. His black eyes widen in shock and pain from the light. His wings buckle to his side. He plummets toward the ground, catching himself just in time, then settles to the ground. Everyone crowds around him curiously, including Thalia who left her hiding spot.

Hamnet: Well?

Twirltongue: What's up there?

Solovet: What did you see?

Henry: Were there hot girls?

Bane: Is it the lost city of the cow people?

Everyone: wtf?

Ares: It...it...it was a video camers...and two teenage girls...

Narrator: What happened to shock Hamnet? Why are Twirltongue and Solovet getting along? What is up in the light? And why is the light now dark? Find out next week on the sixth installment of HEAVEN AND HELL.

Solovet: Hey, that's the first time you've talked about girls for a while, Henry.

Henry: (groan) I was trying to forget!

Heaven and Hell


	6. Let's Get Emo Up In Here

**HEAVEN AND HELL**

* * *

The main characters who died in the books wake up to find themselves in a large cavern. It has no exit or entrance, but a large lake off to the right, filled with fish. There is an unidentifiable light coming from the top of the cavern. How will our heroes-and anti-heroes-escape from the hellish confines of this cave? They must work together, each person agreeing, to escape.

Our cast is:

Ares, the flier  
Bane, the gnawer  
Solovet, the killer  
Hamnet, the killer  
Twitchtip, the gnawer  
Henry, the killer  
Tick, the crawler  
Twirltongue, the gnawer  
Thalia, the flier  
Frill, the hisser

* * *

Narrator: Well, this is in fact the sixth episode of the wildly popular HEAVEN AND HELL. A week has passed since our last episode, and Ripred only knows what's been going on.

Ripred: (yelling from far off) You're not affiliated with me!

Narrator: (cough) Yes, well. Anyway, you all know the characters, and you all know what's been going on recently. And if you haven't...we have reruns Saturdays at 8 PM. For now, though, let's look in on our little friends.

Solovet: (annoyed) Will you shut up?!

Ares: Not until you say you believe me!

Hamnet: (eye roll) Why should we believe you?

Ares: Cause I'm right!!

Twirltongue: You're insane!!

Ares: You're one to talk! Besides, I know what I saw.

Solovet: (confused) Saw when?

Ares: ... (incredulously) You watched me!!

Hamnet: No we didn't.

Ares: Did too! Twirltongue and Solovet told me to go see the light!

Twirltongue: (disdainfully) What light?

Ares: (stuttering in his frustration) There was a light! Coming...coming out of that hole! That-that hole right there! (points to the now dark hole)

Twitchtip: (off to the side) Yeah...he's pretty much crazy.

Ares: (angrily) No! You saw me go up, and the light flashed and I came down!

Solovet: So if we agree you'll be quiet?

Ares: Yes.

Twirltongue: Ok, you're insane and imagining things. (fake happy voice) Good for you!

Ares: Now you're starting to piss me off.

Twirltongue: (unconcerned) And?

Narrator: A bright white light suddenly floods the cavern, coming from the hole that Ares recently pointed at. The light flickers and dims slightly, then goes normal.

Ares: See! Look! The light!

Solovet: Well...I'll be damned, there is a light.

Ares: (smugly) told you. There's two teenage Overland girls up there. They're making the light.

Twirltongue: (disbelieving) Mmmhmmm

Ares: (seriously frustrated) NRG! You still don't believe me! You don't get it do you?! That could be our way out!!

Solovet: Well...that is true... (she considers it for a while) Why don't you fly up and check?

Narrator: Ares's face goes very tense, and for a while he looks like he's about to explode. Everyone around him backs up a couple paces except for Solovet, who remains blissfully unaware of how her comments affected him. A sudden change comes over Ares, his shoulders slump and he lets out an apathetic sigh.

Ares: (monotone voice) Forget it...no body cares about me anyway...(sigh)

Twirltongue: (raises her eyebrow) That's an unexpected change...

Ares: How can you expect anything? Life is so random and meaningless...the only thing certain is rejection-I mean-er death.

Solovet: Ok, cut it out. I'm getting depressed.

Hamnet: (quietly from the background) We're dead already...stupid bat.

Ares: (tonelessly) Not that you care, but I heard that. Now if you don't mind...I'm going to go to a corner and sulk for a few...hours.

Narrator: Twitchtip growls angrilly and snaps her jaws. She gets up from where she was sitting and stalks over so she is directly under the hole that the light is coming out of.

Twitchtip: (highly pissed) That's it!! I won't have any more of this!! You can drop rocks, and magically ressurect people, and have plot holes to your heart's content!! But I draw the line at emos! I'm sick of these thrice damned stereotypes! No more! So you fix him right now, damn it, or I swear I'll --

Narrator: And the authoress of the story said that Twitchtip would have a random moodswing. And she did.

Twitchtip: (blinks) --ask you very nicely to change Ares back into his only moderately emo self.

Everyone: (looks at Twitchtip in shock) wtf?

Hamnet: Are...you..er, feeling ok?

Twitchtip: Oh, I feel fine! (creepy smile) I just wish Ares would go back to the pensive, intelligent bat that we all know and love.

Thalia: She's lost it! (giggles randomly)

Twitchtip: (continues to smile creepily)

Tick: Scary, she is, scary.

Bane: (starts sniffling) I want the old Twitchtip back!!

Solovet: Yes...so do I. She makes Hamnet look like Hitler.

Twirltongue: (expression of dawning horror) Do you guys think...that she got...pregnant?

Narrator: Everyone stares at her, terrified by the possibility.

Hamnet: I think--

Henry: (randomly screams) GIRLS!! Need, girls, dammit!

Ares: (non-emo) Oh...**shit.**

Narrator: This seems like a good time for a fifteen minute intermission. The screen goes black, and elevator music begins to play.

XXXXX

Narrator: We come back to a scene of mass chaos. Tick has hidden in a small crevice, and Thalia is in absolute stitches. Ares is crouched in a corner, wings fluttering in agitation. Pearlpelt has somehow been reduced to tears, and the only person to comfort him is Twitchtip. Twirltongue is occupied with doing a marvelous imitation of a paper weight. She was sitting on top of Henry, who was to the point of foaming at the mouth. His eyes and mouth twitched repeatedly. Solovet and Hamnet had an arm each, and Frill was doing a marvelous job of holding his flailing legs in place.

Henry: (tears of anger...or withdrawal pouring down his face) You guys...y-you don't get it!! -screaming- _I've been without girls for WEEKS! I can't d-do this anymore! _It just d-doesn't work! I-I just can't live like this dammit! You don't u-understand w-what this is DOING to meeee!! (he degenerates into whining) Pleeeeaaaase, let me oooouuut. I c-c-caaan't staaaand iiiiiiit.

Twitchtip: In the name of Destruction(1), can't you SHUT HIM UP! (turns back to Bane) Quiet...come on, hush, now.

Twirltongue: (lounging on Henry) You know...if I wasn't so preoccupied with stopping Henry from spontaneously combusting, I'd comment on how affectionate you're being right now.

Twitchtip: (shoots her a look) Ridiculous. (mutters) I just want him to stop bawling. It's undignified.

Narrator: Just as Henry manages to wriggle free of his captors, there is a bright flare of violet light from just above the lake. The light coalesces into a distinctly female being, floating merely six inches above the water. The being strides confidently across the water, growing clearer and clearer with each step. By the time she steps onto the shore it is clear she is a teenage girl with long blonde-brown hair, and bright eyes. She's wearing standard Underland garb.

Twitchtip: (rolls her eyes at the dramatic entrance) Show off.

Girl: Um...(slightly confused) This is the right place, isn't it? Or are they shooting Survivor here?

Everyone:...wtf?

Ares: (from the corner) Not that any one is going to listen, but that's one of the girls from the light.

Girl: Er...This isn't good...(she waves her hand)

Twitchtip: Was that supposed to do something?

Girl: Oops! I'm not good with this...it's weird when they're not your puppets. (this time she snaps her fingers and everyone's face goes blank)

Bane: (spasticly) Yay! We're doomed!

Girl: Odd...anywho, I'm Lulu. Where's Henry?

Henry: (staring at her like a starving man stares at a platter of cupcakes) Hi...

Lulu: Hi, I heard that--

Henry: You're an angel...

Lulu: Sure. Let's go with that. So, I--

Henry: ZOMG! -leaps at her-

Lulu: Eep!

Narrator: Everyone watches detachedly as Henry glomps the girl. No one could remember exactly where she came from, but it didn't seem to matter. As soon as the girl regained her balance, Henry swept her in his arms and kissed her forcefully.

Lulu: (gasping for breath) I like this job...

Henry: You. Now. Come. (he grabs her wrist and drags her away from the main group)

Thalia: Oooh, what are they doing?!

Ares: No. You're too young.

Thalia: awww...but you said that when the big white rat and the other one were--

Twitchtip: shhh-sh-sh. I really don't want to be reminded.

Bane: (random squeak) Babbehs!

Twitchtip: (sigh) Now I remember why I hate my life.

Ares: (angst ridden voice) Join the club.

Twitchtip: NRG! These damn stereotypes are pissing me off!!

Twirltongue: Wow, Solovet, your nephew really is a man-whore.

Solovet: Ya...(watches with slight interest)...just like his dad.

Hamnet: I'm worried about the girl.

Twitchtip: Don't be. She can handle herself.

Tick: Know you, how, know you.

Twitchtip: Scent-seer, duh?

Ares: Wait a second...I thought you lost that when your nose was damaged!!

Twitchtip: uh...

Narrator: Who is this mysterious girl? What is Twitchtip's ongoing secret? Will Ares ever stop being emo? Tune in next week for more: HEAVEN AND HELL. And maybe you'll find out! But most likely you won't.

Henry: Ah! She bit my tongue! wtf?

XXXXX

(1) A slight reference to my theory of gnawer religion. More on this will be published in 'Gnawers of the Underland.'


	7. Twitchtip Wants a Snickers

**HEAVEN AND HELL**

* * *

The main characters who died in the books wake up to find themselves in a large cavern. It has no exit or entrance, but a large lake off to the right, filled with fish. There is an unidentifiable light coming from the top of the cavern. How will our heroes-and anti-heroes-escape from the hellish confines of this cave? They must work together, each person agreeing, to escape.

Our cast is:

Ares, the flier  
Bane, the gnawer  
Solovet, the killer  
Hamnet, the killer  
Twitchtip, the gnawer  
Henry, the killer  
Tick, the crawler  
Twirltongue, the gnawer  
Thalia, the flier  
Frill, the hisser

* * *

Narrator: Another week has passed. Yes, time is flying isn't it? Not much has happened, it seems like our little friends are getting used to living in the cave. Are they loosing hope? Do they actually LIKE it here? Or are they just lazy?

Twirltongue: This is driving me up the wall.

Solovet: UP the wall? Why not DOWN the wall?

Pearlpelt: -gasps- You is being racist to the walls!!

Twirltongue: Wait…-confused-is that even possible?

Hamnet: No, racism is discriminating because of the species of something. I don't think inanimate objects such as walls count.

Pearlpelt: -getting mad- Nuh uh! Stop being mean to the walls!! They never did nothing to you.

Ares: -annoyed- What is it with you and walls?

Pearlpelt: -wide eyed and serious- Walls are my friiiiieeeends…

Thalia: -starts giggling insanely-

Twitchtip: -screaming at Thalia- SHUT UP!!

Solovet: Twitchtip…have you ever considered anger mana-

Twitchtip: -cuts her off- Don't you start with me Solovet! You locked Hamnet in a dungeon for speaking out against you. And I do NOT need anger management classes. So stfu.

Hamnet: -points- Henry and that one girl are coming back.

Narrator: Henry and Lulu are walking back toward the group after having been gone for about an hour.

Lulu: I have a name you know…

Twirltongue: -suggestively- And what were _you _doing over there?

Henry: Nothing…

Lulu: Ya, what he said -shifty eyes-

Magical Booming Voice From Nowhere: No shifty eyes for you!!

Lulu: -sigh- ya…ok… -mutters-

Solovet: I don't get it…

Henry: Inside joke.

Pearlpelt: -curiously- Inside of what?

Henry: -sarcastically- Your face.

Pearlpelt: -high pitched scream- AAAH!! I have something in my face! Oh my gosh with the death and the killing and the faaaaace! -clutches face spasmodically- There be face bad stuffness in my head!!

Twitchtip: -sigh- Now you've got him freaking out again. -walks over to Pearlpelt and stops him from clawing his eyes out- None of that now. He was just kidding.

Pearlpelt: Oh…. -lowers paws- Mk then…

Lulu: Awwww!! That's so cute!

Solovet: Ya…in some bizarre way, I guess it is.

Twirltongue: -fake gags- Ugh I'm gonna be sick…

Lulu: I think it's cute. They make a great couple.

Twitchtip: -eye twitches- Do not!! Pearlpelt, why don't you go talk to walls for a few minutes.

Pearlpelt: Ok! -whispers confidentially- The walls give me pop-tarts with blue stuff in them…

Twitchtip: -wtf look- Um ok then. -looks at Lulu- We are NOT a couple.

Henry: Yeah right.

Hamnet: You're one to talk Mr. um… -tries to think of a name- Mr. Take-the-new-girl-to-a-dark-corner-a-lot-of-times-and-stuff…

Ares: I believe the word you are looking for is 'man-whore'

Lulu: But he's a SEXY man-whore.

Solovet: Hey…-looks around- where's that little buggy thing?

Twitchtip: What buggy thing?

Solovet: You know…the crawler…whats-her-name. Tack, Tock….

Lulu: -helpfully- Tick.

Solovet: Ya!

Twirltongue: Hmm…she's normally said something random and meaningless to remind us that she's still alive.

Hamnet: So…where is she?

Pearlpelt: Why?! She took my walnuts with her!!

Narrator: After staring in confused disbelief at Pearlpelt for a couple minutes everyone breaks into search groups. Fifteen minutes of half hearted searching end in Pearlpelt engrossed in another wall, Twitchtip and Frill talking to each other, Henry and Lulu gone some where, and the rest in a small group.

Solovet: I don't know what you guys are so worried about. Bane probably ate her.

Hamnet: I hope he didn't…

Twirltongue: I don't care about her one bit, but I don't think Bane ate her. He hasn't eaten a crawler since the whole Razor incident. I think she escaped. And if she did we need to find out where she went.

Hamnet: That's true…but I think--

Thalia: -randomly pops in- What are you guys talking about?!

Solovet: Ah! Thalia go away!

Thalia: -whines- Nooooo, I wanna know!

Ares: Go away! We're not telling you.

Pearlpelt: -hears the argument- What's going on?

Twirltongue: See! You got his attention!

Pearlpelt: What are you talking about? -walks over- I want to know! Tell me! Tell me now!

Ares: Nothing, we weren't talking about ANYTHING. -obviously lying-

Pearlpelt: I think that's a lie from your mouth!

Twirltongue: Um…no…we weren't talking about anything. I think you're confused.

Pearlpelt: -gasp- Are you saying I'm a liar with the falseness of fictions and the statements untrue?!

Hamnet: What did he even say?

Solovet: No idea….just back away slowly…

Pearlpelt: -freaking out- I'm the king! I should know! TELL ME! I'm not wrong, you were talking. And you were talking without me! You're keeping secrets from the king!

Ares: -whispering to Twirltongue- you know this is all your fault.

Twirltongue: -sigh- ya…

Pearlpelt: And you're STILL talking without me! Treason! Rebellion! Blasphemy, even!

Twitchtip: -randomly- I want a Snickers bar.

Pearlpelt: And…and…some other words of things that are bad!! -points at the small group- You're bad peoples!! Cause I--

Twitchtip: -yelling- Someone get me a Snickers bar!!

Hamnet: What is this sneaker you speak of?

Solovet: She said Snickers.

Hamnet: Like laughing?

Twitchtip: No! Snickers! With a capital S stupid! Gimme.

Pearlpelt: What's a snickers? Can they fly?

Thalia: sniiiiiickerssss...-starts shaking violently-

Ares: Oh good god no...

Twirltongue: What?

Ares: EVERYONE DUCK AND COVER!!

Narrator: Everyone does so just as Thalia begins rocketing around the cave.

Twitchtip: What's going on?

Ares: she has a sugar high...

Solovet: How is that even possible?

Ares: she's in such a state of constant hyperness the mere mention of anything containing sugar sets her off.

Narrator: After half an hour of Thalia's insane sugar rush the cave is in shambles, which is pretty impressive since the only things around are rocks, but she managed to demolish it.

Henry: That was absolute hell...

Lulu: That would be why she named it Heaven and Hell.

Narrator: Everyone stares at Lulu for a little while who sighs when she realizes what she did.

Twitchtip: Mmmmkay...I just don't want to go through that ever EVER again.

Hamnet: I agree.

Solovet: Alright troops, report! time for roll call.

Ares -muttering- who made _her_ the boss?

Solovet: Humans, sound off.

Lulu: I'm here!

Hamnet: As am I.

Henry: -staring at his reflection in the pool-

Lulu: -jabs Henry-

Henry: Teh sex is here.

Solovet: -rolls her eyes- Ya ok. Fliers?

Ares: I'm still here unfortunately.

Thalia: Whoo! Let's do that again!!

Everyone: NO!!

Solovet: Alright, gnawers?

Twirltongue: I survived.

Twitchtip: Damn...I'm not dead yet.

Pearlpelt: Hi!

Solovet: Alright, now--

Pearlpelt: HII!!

Solovet: Yes, Pearlpelt is here, so--

Pearlpelt: -jumps up and down with his hand waving in the air- Me! Me! Pick meeee!!

Solovet: -sighs- Alright...yes, Bane?

Pearlpelt: -thinks for a moment- hi!

Solovet: Someone kill him...

Hamnet: You forgot Frill.

Solovet: Oh yeah, freakish lizard thing, where you be? -looks around-

Narrator: There is silence.

Hamnet: Umm...Frill? Frill?! -looks around desperately- OMG where is she?!

Twirltongue: Don't know, don't care. I just want to know how she got out of this shit hole.

Twitchtip: Watch your language.

Henry: Ya...this is getting boring...-grabs Lulu-

Lulu: -is dragged away by Henry- Wheee...

Solovet: Ok guys, this is getting serious. I'm scared dammit!

Twitchtip: Language!

Twirltongue: Shut up! We're all big people here, it's not like you haven't sworn before.

Twitchtip: -sigh- where the hell is my Snickers bar?

Twirltongue: Enough about the Snickers!

Twitchtip: I can't help it!

Pearlpelt: Can I have cream cheese if she gets Snickers?

Solovet: No one is getting anything. Seriously guys, people are DISSAPEARING! I thought we couldn't die here! -bites nails- I'm getting paranoid...I-I think they're being picked off one by one.

Hamnet: -frantically searching for Frill- Why would anyone do such a thing?

Ares: -shrug- low ratings I guess.

Twitchtip: -nods- yep. The one with the least lines are going poof.

Pearlpelt: I like poof...

Twirltongue: -distractedly- we know you do, dear. -starts pacing back and forth- This is curious...first the crawler, then the hisser...what could they possibly have in common?

Frill: -sarcastically- Weeee're half way ssssssaaaaane.

Narrator: Everyone jumps, shocked by her sudden appearance. Hamnet runs and leaps at Frill, hugging her round the neck.

Hamnet: I thought you were gone for good!

Frill: Nooooooo

Ares: Well, where were you?

Thalia: Ya, where'd you go?

Twitchtip: -growling- still no candy bar...

Twirltongue and Solovet: WILL YOU SHUT UP!

Frill: I fffffound a waaaaay out...

Narrator: Well, that's the ending to the lucky seventh episode of HEAVEN AND HELL! Instead of asking questions...I'm going to just get on with the closing credits!

Twirltongue: Oh what the HELL?! That was THE WORST cliffie EVER!

Solovet: I hate you all.

Twitchtip: I want a--

Hamnet: we know we know...

Twitchtip: --Bagel.


	8. Time Warp

**HEAVEN AND HELL**

* * *

The main characters who died in the books wake up to find themselves in a large cavern. It has no exit or entrance, but a large lake off to the right, filled with fish. There is an unidentifiable light coming from the top of the cavern. How will our heroes-and anti-heroes-escape from the hellish confines of this cave? They must work together, each person agreeing, to escape.

Our cast is:

Ares, the flier  
Bane, the gnawer  
Solovet, the killer  
Hamnet, the killer  
Twitchtip, the gnawer  
Henry, the killer  
Tick, the crawler  
Twirltongue, the gnawer  
Thalia, the flier  
Frill, the hisser

* * *

Narrator: Yet another week goes by and--

Twitchtip: Wait wait wait. Frill just gave us important information, she totally just said she found a way out. We aren't going to wait a week before we do something about it.

-Everything goes dark and you hear the Narrator and Twitchtip debating in whispers-

Narrator: -hiss- so what do you suggest I do?!

Twitchtip: Well how about you just introduce the episode as 'Frill has just said...'

Narrator: That's ridiculous

Twitchtip: Well how about a flashback!

Narrator: -whiny voice- But I ALWAYS introduce the episodes! People loooove me!

Twitchtip: -scowl- I'd love you if you talked LESS.

-Lulu's voice joins the two-

Lulu: Do you realize what you just did?!

Narrator: Who me?!

Lulu: YES YOU! You made everything dark and put us in a magical time warp so you could talk to Twitchtip.

Narrator: -smugly- Ya, I know. Pretty kick ass isn't it.

Lulu: -yelling- NO, as a matter of FACT, it is NOT!

Twitchtip: whoa whoa, hey, whoa, what are you tripping about?

Lulu: you two are cutting majorly into my Henry fangirl time. After this is over I have to go back to envying Kaelyn.

Narrator: -reflectively- Oh ya, this is the eighth episode.

Lulu: I know...and it means a lot to me. So...could you kind of hurry it along?

Narrator: Ya, ya, I guess I'll just wing it.

Lulu: Thanks, I knew I could count on you. -apologetically- Sorry I kinda flipped out on you, I was acting like Twitchtip with her mood swings.

Narrator: Lol, ya.

Twitchtip: Tota-- Heeeey...wait a second! That reminds me!

Narrator: Laaaater... -starts reversing the time warp-

Twitchtip: I will not wait! Who in the HELL said you could get me PREG--

Narrator: And the time warp is over. Everything starts back smoothly from just after Frills revelation.

Twitchtip: NANT!

Narrator: Everyone stares at Twitchtip since she just yelled out the word 'Pregnant'

Solovet: -triumphantly- I KNEW IT!

Twirltongue: As did I. Twitchtip is pregnant.

Hamnet: Preggers.

Ares: Prego...

Henry: Knocked up! -very experienced with that phrase for some reason-

Pearlpelt: -summarazies- She got the babbehs in her tummy!

Twitchtip: Ugh...-slaps head with her paw-

Pearlpelt: -curious- How'd you get babbehs in your tummy? Didja eat them? I ated some babbehs once, but they were meece babbehs, and they tasted good. But I didn't get no babbehs in my tummy... -rambles-

Twitchtip: -groan- I knew I shouldn't have gotten up this morning.

Twirltongue: But that is beside the point. Frill, tell us about the exit!

Frill: Weeeell, Tick fffound it quiiiite early on...

Solovet: -mutters- note to self, be nice to bugs.

Frill: sssshe ssssssaved it for when she couldn't taaaake you people any looonger.

Ares: Yes, yes, now WHERE is it?!

Narrator: Frill points to a large door with a flowing neon sign that reads 'Exit'

Hamnet: -slumps- Kind of hard to miss that...

Twirltongue: Oh what the hell...that was SO not there five minutes ago.

Frill: It hasss been here for a verrrrry long time.

Thalia: Where's Tick? I wanted to see her again!

Ares: -amazed- What? no giggles?

Thalia: OMFGLOL!!

Ares: Oh geez...son of a --

Pearlpelt: Potato!!

Narrator: Everyone turns and stares at Pearlpelt for a couple moments, before Twitchtip speaks up.

Twitchtip: don't mind him. She's just using him as a censor, because she thinks some people can't take the word 'bitch'

Lulu: -from far away with Henry- OMG you said it! She's gonna beat you up now!

Twitchtip: Ya...this is me not really giving a damn.

Frill: Tick ssssstayed where the exit let out. I only came back fffffor Hamnet. Howeeever...

Pearlpelt: -randomly charges the exit- I'm coming cream cheese!!

Narrator: The exit closes up completely, and the sign now reads 'Out of Order' Pearlpelt bounces off of it. (unharmed of course)

Frill: They willll likely closssse it up when they find out I am heeeelping you.

Twirltongue: Oh son of a

Pearlpelt: Malfunctioning computer!

Solovet: Mother

Pearlpelt: Crowded inbox!

Ares: oh what the

Pearlpelt: Annoying spammers!

Twitchtip: -scowl- she's just listing her annoyances! What the hell is up with that?

Hamnet: Dunno...but I'd really really like to get out of here.

Thalia: Meee toooo! Thisssssssssss isssssssssssssss booooring!

Ares: Why are you talking like Frill?

Thalia: To make it lesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss -deep breath- sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss -and another- ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss -one more- ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Narrator: Oh screw it. Time lapse. Fifteen minutes later.

Thalia: ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss boring.

Frill: -scowl- I'vvvve haaaad enough of yooooou. -snaps and bites at her-

Thalia: EEEP!

Narrator: Frill chases Thalia around the cave for a while, and then leaps up in the air. The only way for Thalia to go is up, and so she does. Right through the hole where the light comes from.

Frill: -lands- There...problem ssssssssssolved.

Pearlpelt: Ooooh shiny light...bat go bye bye! Just like you! -points at Ares-

Ares: Yes...I do seem to remember going into the light -scowls at Bane- little bastard.

Twirltongue: So that is the answer...

Solovet: We should go to the light!

Ares: That's what I told you guys like...four episodes ago!

Twirltongue: STFU it was my idea!

Ares: Was not!

Twirltongue: Oh dear...I seem to have made a mistake. You are right you know.

Ares: -confused- I...am?

Twirltongue: -persuasively- Ooooh yes. You're so very clever, as stupid little gnawer like me could never figure it out.

Ares: Well...

Twirltongue: And we were ever so wrong to doubt you! Can you ever forgive me?

Ares: Course...I mean--

Twirltongue: You really must know how terribly sorry I am. Did I mention that you were my favorite out of all the people in here?

Ares: -surprised- Really?

Twirltongue: Oh yes, of course. You are by far the one that has kept his sanity the best, not to mention you are a very handsome flier.

Ares: Heh...that is true.

Twirltongue: So you forgive me?

Ares: Yes.

Twirltongue: I'm so very sorry...

Ares: Ya...I got it...

Twirltongue: Are you sure?

Ares: Course.

Twirltongue: I was ever so wrong...

Ares: Ya.

Twirltongue: Really sure?

Ares: YES.

Twirltongue: Are you extra special sure that it was my idea?

Ares: YES!!

Twirltongue: -smugly- HAH! I win.

Ares: Wait! No I take that back!

Twirltongue: -sticks out her tongue- Haha! Stupid bat...

Ares: I hate you.

Twitchtip: Focus people focus. How are we going to get out of here?

Ares: Simple, I can fly.

Hamnet: But you cannot fly us all out of here, and if you do it singly the exit may close once more.

Henry: Did I mention how much I love you Ares?

Ares: Heh...should have thought about that before. Cause right now you're second to last on my list of people to save.

Solovet: Who's last?!

Ares: Twirltongue.

Twirltongue: Oh you suck so bad!!

Ares: -grin-

Frill: I can climb there with Hamnet holding onto me.

Lulu: I can get there by my own awesome means, and I can take Henry with me.

Twitchtip: That's against the rules!

Lulu: -shrug- I can bend the rules. Besides...no one can so NO to Henry! He's teh sex.

Solovet: It looks like the only ones without means to get up are the gnawers.

Ares: Pfft. -scoff- And you.

Solovet: But you can carry me!

Ares: YOU ALMOST KILLED ME! You're third last.

Twirltongue: -angrily- So who are you bringing?

Ares: -thinks for a moment- Twitchtip. Because she's the nicest, because Gregor would want it, and cause she's pregnant.

Twitchtip: I liked the first two reasons...

Ares: -curiously- how long before they're born by the way?

Twitchtip: Gnawer gestation is about three weeks or so. Probably by the last episode.

Twirltongue: -interrupting- All that aside, how are WE supposed to get up there?!

Hamnet: -surprisingly evil laugh- Figure it out yourselves.

Narrator: Oh my good golly gosh! What will happen now that they have found the way out of the evil cave of evilness?! And how will they get to the magical hole of light givingness? Will I ever get better names for these thinghs? And did YOU know Twitchtip was preggers?

Pearlpelt: I don't think this will work...

Twirltongue: -on his shoulders- Shut up. It has to.

Solovet: -swaying dangerously on Twirltongue's shoulders- Almost...-grunt- there...

XXXxxxXXXxxxXXX

**Author's Notes: **_Hello there, if you haven't done so yet, visit my profile and vote on the poll. Or you will get no more stories!! MWAHAHAHAHAAAA_

p.s. Lulu, I updated. Now post in SASR. HA.


	9. The Girl Behind the Curtain

**HEAVEN AND HELL**

* * *

Oh my goodness the thing at the top is gone!

Well, it was just for taking up space and reminding me who the characters were.

Oh well.

Lol.

Spam.

And what not.

You're pissed now aren't you?

Ha.

TUC does not belong to me.

Nope.

Sure doesn't.

But my charries do.

They show up you know.

Yep.

Sure do.

Two of them specifically.

Yaaaa...

I don't own Lulu either...

Or Monty Python.

Now you're curious.

Still pissed?

Wanna get on to the story?

Well you can always scroll down.

Imbecile.

Ignoramus.

Scroll DOWN fool!

Stop reading this!

I'm spamming!

GAWD.

STFU.

And so on and so forth.

Fine.

Whatever.

I'll just start the damn story.

* * *

Ares: You know...-huffs- it wasn't this long the first time I went up this tunnel...-huff- it wasn't so long.

Twitchtip: Ya...I wouldn't know...not being able to fly and all.

Ares: -curiously- And how does that work out for you?

Twitchtip: What? Lack of wings?

Ares: Ya.

Twitchtip: It's called evolution...I don't really need them. Although they would have come in handy in that pit.

Ares: Guess that sucked.

Twitchtip: Ya...no food...not water...no gnawing. Just that one rat that would come and stare at m-- HEY!

Ares: What?

Twitchtip: -realizes- That was Pearlpelt!!

Ares: -skeptically- You didn't realize that before?

Twitchtip: -defensive- I was delusional...but I figure it out now...

Ares: Oh come on...he's big and white! And insane! how can you miss him?

Narrator: Just as Twitchtip opens her mouth to reply they come out of the vertical tunnel and see...Wait...I can't narrate MYSELF! WTF? Hmmm I'll have to find someone else...How about Ripred?

Ripred: I refuse to be in this mockery of a television reality show.

Narrator: Oh c'mon...you have a great booming god like voice though?

Ripred: I AM God. -lightening clashes-

Narrator: -mutter- show off...

Ripred: INFIDEL!! -smite-

Narrator: -is smited- Mk...he doesn't work then. How about...-looks around- Son of a...who can narrate? Gregor and Luxa are...busy. Lulu and Henry are occupied as well...Howard is still primping and Aurora is always quiet. -thinks- Well...this is a show about dead peoples, so I'll get a dead character to narrate! -walks into the magical room where all the characters are for no reason whatsoever-

Narrator: Mk, who wants to be the new Narrator? I need a dead person.

-Everyone in the room backs up leaving only Shadowshiv standing alone-

Shadow: -protests- I'm not dead!!

Narrator: -surprised- What?

Flay: Nothing! Just take her!

Shadow: I'm NOT dead!!

Narrator: -points at Shadow- But she says she's not dead.

Flay: Yes she is!

Shadow: I'm not!

Narrator:...she isn't.

Flay: -huff- Well, she will be soon, she's slated for character death.

Shadow: The author was reconsidering!

Flay: No she wasn't, you'll be stone dead in a couple chapters.

Narrator: -annoyed- Look, I can't take her like that, and you two are not only giving spoilers (that may or may not be truth) but you're warping Monty Python lines! (which I don't own).

Shadow: I don't want to narrate!

Flay: -pushes her forward- Oh don't be such a baby!

Narrator: Oh whatever...-grabs Shadow- Whether you're dead or not, you have a good narrating voice. C'mon. -snaps fingers and they go back to the scene-

Narrator: -is now Shadowshiv- So..ya...-uncertain where to start- Um...Oh ya! Twitchtip and Ares come out of the vertical tunnelly thingy, and come into a small room that's painted a pretty color purple, there are a couple doors on one wall and a large poster on one wall. Sitting on the ground in the middle of the room is a teenage girl who looks about fifteen with short hair and wide blue eyes. She's currently in olive green cargo pants and a rather low cut black shirt. Her legs are crossed as she fiddles with a video camera and munches pocky.

Aria: My shirt isn't THAT low cut...geez.

Narrator: Well...from this angle I--

Aria: -interrupts- oh shut up. -looks up- Oh shit...how did you guys get up here?

Twitchtip: -condescending- Well...Ares can kinda sorta fly...it's not my fault you weren't watching the entrances...

Ares: -curiously- Wait there's more than one entrance?

Aria: -distracted- Ya...like 47 or so...

Ares:...hang on...you're that girl!

Aria: -smirk- sure am...I think...

Ares: So, mind telling me what was up with the whole...cave thing?

Aria: Well, I guess I could, but I should probably get the others in here too. I hate explaining things more than once. -snaps fingers-

Narrator: ...

Aria: Ahem. Shadow...that's your cue.

Narrator: Oh, ya, um...right. Frill, Tick, Hamnet and Thalia walk into the room from one door. Another door opens up and Lulu and Henry stride out.

Twitchtip: How come he gets to just randomly be transported here with that girl, and I have to catch a ride on the emo express?

Ares: Hey! I'm NOT emo...

Aria: -eyeroll- Because he's Henry, and he's sexy enough to exploit a loophole.

Narrator: There is a bit of commotion as Bane, Solovet, and Twirltongue materialize in the room. Solovet is laying on top of Twirltongue who is on top of the Bane. They look like they're fallen on top of each other.

Hamnet: Seriously, standing on each other's shoulders? Pathetic..

Twirltongue: -ignores Hamnet and goes head to head with Aria- Ok you little bitch, I know it was YOU that trapped us here!

Aria: -glare- Look, I hate you, so step off.

Twirltongue: -sneer- is that some sort of threat.

Aria: Yes. Yes it is. Get away from me.

Twirltongue: -moves closer- Make me, pup.

Aria: -pulls out some tiny scissors and snips off one side of Twirltongue's whiskers- Haha!

Twirltongue: -pulls back- What the hell?

Aria: -snicker- I made you get away. And I cut half your whiskers so you walk funny.

Lulu: -giggle- Twirltongue got pwned!

Aria: Again! Yaaay!

Solovet: -rolls her eyes- Can you just tell us what's going on?

Frill: Yessss pleassse.

Aria: Fine..fine...Well...you guys are dead.

Henry: No shit...

Aria: What I did was take each of you from the split second before your death, heal you up with my all pwning authoress powers, and stick you in that cavern down there.

Ares: Why, though?

Hamnet: Yes, this was not very enjoyable.

Tick: Sucked, it did, sucked.

Twirltongue: hush, you got out early.

Aria: Well at first it was a bet that I lost with a certain gnawer...

Ripred: -god like voice from no where- leave me out of this.

Aria: Shut up! -brushes hair out of her eyes- Anyway, I decided to tape it to remember it, cause it was kinda funny. But someone put it on Youtube and I got tons of comments and stuff. Then I approached Comedy Central for permission to do a mini-series. That didn't work so I got a friend to set it up on the web. It was pretty cool actually, and I got to charge admission! I'm filthy rich now!

Twitchtip: Filthy rich?

Aria: Mk, well not really, but I got a couple hundred dollars.

Twirltongue: So you just did this for kicks?

Aria: No...I did it for lulz...and cause Ripred made me... -is smited-

Ripred: I TOLD you not to bring me into this.

Aria: Be QUIET!

Ripred: -annoyed- It's smitten anyway.

Aria: But that sounds like love...gawsh.

Ripred: -sigh- I'm too awesome for this... -voice goes away-

Twitchtip: -complaining- I still don't see where you get off screwing around with me. I mean, I helped too, you know.

Narrator: Collected gasps from everyone around.

Twitchtip: Oh come ON, you can't tell me you didn't notice? Geez...imbeciles.

Aria: That's MY word!

Twitchtip: Cause that's what you are!

Bane: -from a corner- Twitchtip is mad! Stop being mean to her!

Aria: So protective...

Solovet: What did Twitchtip do?

Aria: So moved the plot along...well...until she got preggo and started being all weird and moodswingy.

Twitchtip: -furiously- that was your fault!

Twirltongue: Actually it was mine...rather amusing really.

Twitchtip: After everything I did for all you, Aria! And you betrayed me! I mean..you have NO idea what it's like to live through this crap, the cravings, the mood swings...I should--

Bane: -finally turns around to look at everything(don't ask me why he didn't before)- Omigosh ARIA!!

Aria: Yes, love?

Bane: -runs and attacks her- I did the missing of you for EVAH. -talks very fast and hyper- I hasn't seen you foreverandeverandeverandacow'sheadthingy.

Twirltongue: You KNOW her?

Bane: -nods happily- Yep yep yep yep I does. I was with her in the story thing, and that other story thing, and then the other one, and then she took me for coffee while the bunnies went for a walk in the garden of Lillith. And that was why the sloths danced like rabid monkey people.

Hamnet: You mean Garden of Eden I believe.

Bane: Nooooo I know what I said.

Aria: -still being squeazed- Um..Pearlpelt...I love you and all, but could you loosen up?

Bane: Oops...-backs off-

Aria: Mk...any more questions?

Thalia: Can I have your pocky!?

Aria: -hiss- NEVER!

Thalia: pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaase please please please please pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssseee -takes a deep breath-

Aria: Oh not again...-snaps fingers-

Narrator: An unopened door suddenly slams open and a swirling black vortex sucks Thalia down into it to be tormented by clowns and bad blonde actresses.

Lulu: She was just a space filler anyway.

Ares: You know...I'm kind of anxious for Twitchtip to have her babies...

Solovet: -shocked- What?!

Ares: Oh come on...I wanna know what they look like. I mean a cross between her and the Bane...how awesome would that be?

Twirltongue: Only awesome if they bit your head off.

Ares: -whimpers- No one loves meeee...

Aria: -closes her eyes and puts a hand to her head like it hurts- Sometimes you people are just bad...

Frill: Wheeeeere issssssssssss the female raaaaaat?

Narrator: Everyone looks around, they don't find her.

Henry: I dunno...she was just here a second ago...

Tick: Is gone, the white one, is gone too.

Narrator: All of a sudden the Bane's voice drifts from an open door.

Bane: Oooh...-excited squeal- Babbehs!!

Aria: -gasp- Omigosh!

Twirltongue: This should be interesting...

Ares: Speak of the devil...

Solovet: You called?

Narrator: Well...this is the part of the show where Aria as the narrator would ask stupid questions that wouldn't get answered. But I'm thoroughly pissed at her right now, and don't feel like it. So I'll turn this over to Aria for the closing note.

Aria: -mimicking weather person- Thanks Bob. -fake laugh- Ahem. Anyway. There is only one more chapter left for Heaven and Hell, and I want all of you reviewers to give your input on what you would like to see happen, nothing is out of bounds including living canons and my OCs and guest appearances. The next chapter will be written in my usual style instead of script, and if I get no suggestions it'll probably be some kind of lame dance party with the Banelets starring. So review!!

Lulu: Oh my goodness they're so cute!

Aria: Awwwww...

Bane: -confused- They're all small...and pink...and squishy looking...

Twitchtip: -stares at two rat pups- Ok, Aria, I hate you a little bit less...


	10. The Sucky Finale

**HEAVEN AND HELL**

_The Finale Episode_

Note: The Narrator has been fired...apparently she's being oppressed.

* * *

The screen flickers for a few moments before you see a hand apparently in front of the camera lens. There is a murmured cuss word and then the screen goes black again. A stream of swear words blares through the speakers until the screen flickers once more and finally shows two large blue eyes. "Yes!"

"I told you I'd get it working! Too bad our camera person quit," Aria muses as she looks off screen. She's still very close to the camera lens and you can't see anything except her face and her hair.

"Don't you mean 'cameraman,' Aria?" An off screen voice asks curiously.

"Nooo," she sing-songs, "it was a camera person...cause I'm still not exactly sure how to tell the gender of tripods."

There's an irritated sigh and you can almost see the speaker rolling their eyes, "Tripods are inanimate objects, you know."

Finally Aria backs off from the camera and you can see the purple room from the last episode with all the characters gathered within...save for Tick and Thalia. "You tell that to tripod! It just walked off after the quesadilla incident." Everyone in the room stares blankly at their hostess before Bane speaks up.

"Yo quiero taco bell!" He exclaimes happily.

"Well, let's get started," Aria turns to the camera, "This is the finale episode of Heaven and Hell!! Huzzah! Now, for future reference nothing is off limits in this episode! Nothing! Also, it's obvious that I wasn't clear enough in the first episode. Everyone here is alive. I snagged them from the books a split second before death. THEY ARE ALL ALIVE!"

Suddenly she turns to the unoffending Frill and points at her yelling, "Except you! You ARE the weakest link!" A trap door opens up and Frill vanishes.

Aria claps her hands together like she's wiping dust from them, "There. Now then, it's time to name the Banelets!!" She gives an excited fangirl squee and leaps over to where Twitchtip is curled. Twitchtip has her back turned to the camera and is grooming her now two week old pups. The gnawer mother turns and scowls at teh camera.

"Aria..." she says in a warning tone.

Aria smiles, "I'm not going to hurt the babbehs, I just wanna know what you're going to name them and show them to the peoples."

Pearlpelt creeps up behind Aria and looks over her shoulder, which isn't hard to do seeing as he is twice as tall as she is. "Oooh..." he says his voice filled with wonder. He points at them, "They've got furry...and eyes!" He sounds shocked.

One of the babies is dark grey with a white patch on his face and underbelly, his sister is a vibrant gold with speckles of white running through her fur. They're very small, about the size of a human baby. Their eyes have only recently opened and their ears are still very small and close to their head. "This one's Mayhem," Twitchtip says pointing at the boy.

"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Bane shouts jumping up and down excitedly. "Can I name the girl?!" Twitchtip thinks about it for a while, then sighs and nods.

"Twitchtip Jr.!"

"No."

"Ummm...then...Bane Jr!"

Twitchtip scowls, "Dammit, we're not naming her after us."

"Oh..." Pearlpelt looks apologetic before suggesting, "Twirltongue?"

"That's it," Twitchtip snaps, "You just lost your naming privileges."

"No!!" Cries the Bane, "I can do it! Uh..Henry! Solovet! No um...ARIA!!"

Aria looks thoughtful, "Yah...Aria's a good name."

Twitchtip glares at them, "I don't think so."

Suddenly a note spontaneously materializes inches away from Aria's head. "Oh!" She exclaims, "It must be from Aya."

She scans the letter and then looks at Twitchtip, "What about Lenore?"

The former scent seer thinks about it for a while and then sighed, "Fine. Lenore it is."

"Yaay!" Aria cheers excitedly, then stops, "OmR, we need to get some people in to see the Banelets!!"

"But all these people have already seen them," Twitchtip protests and gestures to the characters in the room.

"But they should be seen in all their adorable fuzzy glory!" Lulu proclaims from across the room.

"Exactly," agrees Aria and then claps her hands. Ripred, Luxa, Gregor and Howard appear in a burst of emerald green flames.

Ripred immediately stalks over to Aria, "I said keep me out of here!!"

Aria laughs, "I'm in control here. Sorry."

"I am God!!" Ripred protests furiously.

The girl shrugs, "Maybe so...but are you prepared for..." Dramatic music starts to play in the background, "MY UBER MARY-SUE??"

In a poof of rainbows, butterflies, pink lemonade, day-time television, and other vomit inducing things the Uber Mary-Sue appears. She has long sun-kissed ringlets, full sensual lips, and wide passionate blue eyes. She's the perfect height and has curves in all the right places. She's wearing bright make up and is so breathtakingly beautiful it makes you physically ill. The girl strikes a dramatic post reminiscent of Sailor Moon, "I am Viollette Aoibheann Satomi Rosabella Michiko Hikari Haviland! I am a rager, scent seer, necromancer, sorceress, half-elf, half demon, half-wolf, half-jaguar!! I am also Gregor's long lost twin sister, and there are a hundred prophecies about me! Everyone loves me, and I shag Howard, Ben Barnes, Henry, hot human Ares, Johnny Depp, Mareth, Harry Potter, York, and pretty much everyone else!! Luxa, Stellovet, Nerissa, and Perdita hate me cause I'm waaaay better than them. BEHOLD MY MARY SUE PERFECTION AND TREMBLE BEFORE MY SEXY ACCENT!!"

"Seriously, Aria," Ripred says looking around the posturing Viollette, "What the hell?" He is then beaten into submission by Viollette blah blah blah blah's perfect hair and enormous chest.

Aria snickers and snaps her fingers, making Viollette and Ripred disappear. Twitchtip glares at Aria, "My children did NOT need to see that."

"Awww...you're so protective!"

Gregor just now seems to realize that Twitchtip is sitting right in front of him and he exclaims, "OMR Twitchtip! You're alive!! And you have...babies?"

"Babbehs!" Pearlpelt screeches ecstatically.

"Oh shit!" Gregor breathes, "Not you again..."

"I MISSED YOU!!" The giant white rat exclaims happily and embraces the warrior.

Luxa is staring at the pups, "They have...white on them...does that mean...?" The young queen looks in disbelief from Twitchtip to the Bane who is attempting to strangle her boy friend.

"It wasn't my idea, ok?" Twitchtip mutters stroking the ear of one of her sleeping pups.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Solovet asks Aria.

"Oh yah! I wanted to show Aya the Banelets!" The girl says excitedly.

"That's not what I meant!!" Solovet shouts, "I meant US! You haven't done anything with us all episode!!"

"You had plenty of episodes!" Aria yells back, "In case you didn't realize I'm just doing a bunch of random crap cause I have no idea how to end this!!"

"Well it's not funny." Twirltongue comments.

"Stfu," Aria snaps back.

Aya spontaneously materializes in the middle of the room, "Um...Aria, you were supposed to come and get me--Why is everyone so angry looking?"

Aria makes a pouting face and says, "They're trying to tell me how to run my show!"

Aya smiles, "I know what'll make you feel better!"

Aria gasps happily, "Awakened?!"

"Nope," Aya shakes her head, "Even better." She claps her hands and a teenage boy with white hair randomly appears next to her.

"It's getting really crowded in here..." Hamnet mutters.

The authoress squeals like the fangirl she is deep down inside and glomps the human Bane. "OMR!!"

"Aaah! Get it off me!! Twirltongue! Heeeelp!" The human Bane screams as he's assaulted by his biggest fangirl.

Everyone in the room is staring at the human boy screaming for Twirltongue. "Who is that?!" Ares was the first person to speak up. To the large black bat's surprise the pale teenager scrambles away from Aria's rather vicious assault, and hides behind him.

"Back off! I've got angsty bat and I'm not afraid to use it!!" The human Bane threatens loudly. Then he looks at Ares, "Ares?! When did you get all floofeh again?!"

Aya introduces the sexy human boy proudly, "Everyone, this is Bane. In his human form," she adds.

Pearlpelt stares at the boy who is attempting to brandish Ares like a weapon. The human Bane returns the stare. They both say at the same time, "But...if that's Bane...who am...I?"

Aria stands in between the two and randomly has a stroke from the sheer awesomeness that is two Banes in the same room together. "Hmmm..." Aya shrugs, "Looks like I'm taking over for the moment."

Lulu protests, "But I was the cohost first!"

"True," Aya replies, "but you can't host the show and make out with Henry at the same time." Lulu grins at Aya, who smirks back.

"Now then, in a shameless promotion of my story 'Awakened' I'm going to bring human Twirltongue and human Ares here as well!! I'll put parenthesis around their names to show that their the human ones so no one gets confused." Within moments a very pretty young woman and darkly handsome young man materialize.

Henry's girl radar goes off like mad and he looks up from what he was doing--making out with Lulu--to look at (Twirltongue.) The teenager saunters up to her and daringly throws an arm around her waist, "How you doin?" he asks with a suggestive smirk.

(Twirltongue) gives him a scathing look, "I'd be better if you left me alone." Henry just grins at her and moves his hand lower down her back. With a snarl the woman slaps him across the face leaving bloody marks where her claw like fingernails struck him. She stalks off to go and talk to her furry counterpart.

"Oh, yeah," Henry says before Lulu drags him off to beat him up, "she digs me."

(Ares) and Ares stare at each other. "Wow," Ares says, "I'm kinda hot as a human..." The human (Ares) yells triumphantly, "I knew I was gay! Oh wait..."

Twitchtip frowns at the multiples that are meeting each other, "This is really annoying," she remarks to Aya.

Aya shrugs, "Kinda, but it's funny too."

Aria stirs slightly. "You should get them out of here before she wakes up or it'll happen again." Twitchtip observes.

Aya shrugs and claps her hands. The humans disappear.

Aria looks around, "Aww...where'd t3h b4n3 go?"

Solovet scowls and walks up to Aria and pokes her in the head. "This isn't working."

"What's not working?"

"All of it! The non script mode, the lack of randomness, it's not working at all."

"That's right," Twirltongue agrees, "You used all your hilarity, what little bit there was, on the first nine chapters and didn't plan far enough ahead to get a tenth one."

"It's not my fault!! I asked for ideas but no one said anything! Plus there is no muse left in my head."

"Well find something to do to end this thing! It's horrible!"

"Squeak!" Lenore agrees.

"Fine." Aria scowls. The screen before you goes black and white words scrawl across it.

* * *

Due to lack of funding and muse the finale episode of Heaven and Hell has never been finished.

The producers have come up with a short list of what happened after the camera was turned off.

Luxa and Gregor made out.

Howard beat the crap out of Luxa and made out with Gregor.

Gregor ran away.

Twitchtip sued Aria for child endangerment, won, and retired with her two children to a resort down in Tahiti.

Bane ran away to join the circus where he then met the love of his life: cotton candy.

Lulu put Henry on a leash and became a successful writer.

Twirltongue and Hilary Clinton won the presidential election for '08 after Obama and McCain mysteriously vanished.

Solovet got the crap beaten out of her by a bunch of rabid TUC fans.

Ares finally admitted to himself that he was emo and started a band called "Too Emo For Your Face."

Aria and Aya got married and adopted a cat together. They then spent their time together flaming horrible fanfics.

Mareth and Mareth made multiple jokes and groped their assorted pairings.

Ripred spent the rest of his life running from Madame Viollette who had decided bestiality was hot.

Thalia got a job as one of those people who lists side effects for medications, and finally got treated for her severe ADHD.

Many inside references and your mom jokes were made. Fangirls glomped. And then they all did the Hamster Dance.

**THE END.**


End file.
